Two days ago, I signed up to get free newsletters from Parents.com so that I would know if my baby was the size of a baseball or a sweet potato. Then I woke up yesterday with a strange feeling that something wasn't quite right. Nothing hurt. I just knew. I told David I was nervous about going to the doctor and he asked why but I couldn't really tell him. When I got to the doctor, (which was supposed to just be an annual until I called last week to tell them I was pregnant) the nurse took me to the lab to take a pregnancy test. I guess she didn't trust the two I had taken at home, not to mention the fact that I was 3 weeks late AND this was my third pregnancy and I know what it feels like to be pregnant! So I peed in their little cup and waited for the doctor to come in and state the obvious. But, he came in and told me "Well, you aren't pregnant, yet, Kiddo! The test was negative. " (I love my doctor and he has always called me that-I guess I WAS a kid when he delivered Ethan!) My heart sank. I explained to him about my tests and my symptoms. He cocked his head and said he wanted to do a blood test to see what was going on. I went home and was very depressed all night. My fears were confirmed early this morning when I woke up with a pretty severe cramp and bleeding. The doctor called me and told me what I already knew. The blood test proved that I had been pregnant but the levels weren't strong enough for how far along I was and to expect a spontaneous miscarriage. (He was very sweet about everything.) I told him I was already experiencing that. He told me what to expect and how long I needed to wait before trying to concieve again. Blah blah blah. So. Here I am. My heart hurts. I know so many women have experienced this pain before. My friends and family have been so incredibly sweet and supportive. I am so lucky. My dear friend, Jennifer, told me about a song that gave her comfort after her experience and it has given me comfort, as well. The hardest thing about this is the fact that I have nothing tangible. There are no memories. There were only dreams. I know that we will move on and we will get pregnant again and we will have a healthy baby but I also know I will never forget this baby. Now, if I can just figure out how to get off that damn Parents.com list....
Glory Baby by Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby.. You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby.. Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you… Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday Miss you in every way But we know there’s aday when we will hold you We will hold you You’ll kiss our tears away When we’re home to stay Can’t wait for the day when we will see you We will see you But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you… You’ll just have heaven before we do You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard tounderstand it ‘cause we’re hurting We are hurting But there is healing And we know we’re stronger people through the growing And in knowing- That all things work together for our good And God works His purposes just like He said He would… Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabiesand what they must sound like But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
3 comments:
Janna, I am so sorry for this loss and the pain I know you're going through. It is so sad to me too to have nothing to hold on to, but I know these babies will always be with us. You're post was so poignant to me. Thanks for sharing it with us. I too have been amazed at the community that share this experience and strengthened by them. My post is here: http://athomewiththerichardsfamily.blogspot.com/2008/09/loss.html Not sure if it helps yet, but know you're not alone.
Even still, there are no words. Hugs, kisses and prayers for you dear cousin.
I am so sorry to hear this news. It is hard for me to understand what you are going through, but please know that I love you guys so much and I am keeping you in my prayers. Hugs!
Janna, I am Abbey's mom and was so sad for the loss of your sweet child. It has been twenty seven years since one slipped away from me and your words brought back all the heartache, as if it were yesterday. We WILL see them again and will know them in an instant. Blessings on your all. Deb
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